Friday, August 28, 2009

I just wrote this comment on a friend's blog. She is facing her fears and adjustments regarding becoming a full time stay at home mom. I find myself on the other end of that stage and I just needed to write a little about how right it was for me to be home.

"There is nothing so wonderful as the peace you feel when being fully present in your childrens' lives. And there is no more amazing feeling as knowing you made the right choice.

All this is said as I just watched my Joshua drive off to return to college, 7 hours away. It was soothing to have him home for the past few months, but saying good bye is never easy. And knowing that his return is never the same as it once was is even harder. This is what the love of a child is all about."

Summer 2009
Joshua's summer was spent coaching, playing, umpiring, and prepping fields.

There are many changes that are going on in my family at the moment. I don't do well with change. I've learned to try and I've learned to have a little patience, but that same feeling in my stomach is still there. No Matter What. As an adult, I am trying to find the positive in change. But as a person, I want to kick my feet and clench my fists and cry. I know to turn inward and keep a stiff upper lip.

My son just drove off to return to college. I know he is incredibly happy at school, so in that, I take solace. It is about him, not me. We let Wilton free last night. It was much harder to do than I thought. I still caught a glimmer of Jake as a little boy. Those moments are very few and far between these days. I hang on to every moment I can get, because that has been my most favorite part of raising my children. Ira scooped up the rabbit, we each took a turn saying goodbye and he put him on the grass. We thought he would hit the ground running, but he poignantly turned to us, nibbled on some grass, and slowly made his way behind the hydrangea bush.

To add to the change, my neighbor moved out and a new one moved in, Jacob made the football team (YEAH!) and he is starting high school in a new HUGE school with a very early start time. No biggie, but still... And biggest of all, my husband, who has been working from home and then was eventually out of a job, for 5 years, has finally found a new job. That is wonderful and I am so so so happy and relieved, but in the same time, bittersweet in some respects. It has been a long time that he was home and an integral part of our family's life. It is going to be hard to give that up. And if I am being honest, I am going to miss him. That sounds needy and strange because most dads are always at work. We had a different arrangement than most families, and although temporary, not planned and not financially sound, it was wonderful for our children. Now I have to face the music and reality and adjust and prosper. I know I will, but all this at once?

To tie this all together, I am just remembering how grateful I am to have been able to be at home with my children. It ripped my heart in half when I had to go into work for the first 5 years. Although I am not always very confident with my decisions, I knew with out a doubt that I wanted to be home with them. And I would not have changed a thing.

I love you Josh, with all of my heart. Have a wonderful semester.

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